NFB: Being a woman sucks sometimes

My new blogging assignment is a topic I came up with, about a time that you had to make a choice about something that affected you deeply. I'm still in the process of this choice, and it hasn't been made final yet...but I feel that this is my only option to live with less pain.

As most of you know, I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and was recently diagonosed with Adenomyosis. Sometime in early December I spoke with the nurse at the doctor's office and they are pushing for an endometrial biopsy because they are unsure of whether what I have is Adenomyosis or if it is Endometriosis. *Sigh.* I am tired of the tests. It's painful and I keep having problems. The first problems were in 2001 with the uterine polyps. They say that in 5-7 years after having polyps removed they can recur. With all of the problems I am having, a partial hysterectomy is recommended. It's not worth going through the pain and it's not worth the expense. We haven't had anything done yet as we are one of the millions of families without insurance (at least our daughter has insurance, which I am grateful for), but I have to do something soon. The pelvic pain is getting increasingly worse, and has immobilized me at times. I've resorted to taking Aleve, which is a strong painkiller and even THAT does not work. There's really no cure for this, except for the hysterectomy. Part of it is the ovarian cysts that grow inside of me, but the uterus is now causing trouble for me.

I used to beg for a partial hysterectomy, even prior to the uterine problems, because I hate dealing with that time of the month, and I hate dealing with the female issues it brings along with it. Now? Because it's going to happen eventually, I can't help but think of what I may be losing out on. We are blessed to have our daughter and she is the light of our life...but I can't help but think of the what if's. What if something ever happened to her? Yes, you cannot replace a child, and I realize my paranoia in this, but I know that I would probably want another child. Yes, there is adoption, but it's not something my husband will consent to (don't ask me why- he won't even discuss it with me). In any case, what if I want a baby in the next two years? Then I think, please! With everything I have gone through and will continue to go through, the likelihood of becoming pregnant is slim to none. But you know, the uterus is a part of me. It's what has housed my daughter for the 9 months she grew, it's what has given me agita, it's a part of me. I won't go as far as to say it is who I am, because it is not...but I have had dreams where the uterus was gone and I felt like a part of me was missing.

I am pretty sure this is a normal feeling and only psychological, but I can't help but feel this way. This is a huge decision that I have made and when it is made final, there is no turning back.