Another off-topic late night rambler

Because right now I am a bag full of mixed emotions. I'm sure the ladies can understand my sentiments here- damn hormones! This is what I typed up earlier tonight...

My mind has been completely preoccupied today since I was told it was recommended that I get a partial hysterectomy. While I am relieved that the threat of cancer isn’t the main problem here but Adenomyosis is, for some reason the thought of losing my uterus is a scary thought. I’m feeling a range of emotions right now…from relief that I may not need that biopsy after all to depressed because a hysterectomy is final. I check out a message board for women with hysterectomies and I notice most of them are over 30. There are only a handful of women who are under 30, and I have to wonder…why me? Where is it in my history that we have problems with our uterus and hell, our ovaries?? I have a cousin who has ovarian problems but not PCOS like me. Other than that, fertility is not a problem on either sides of my family.

Whatever this is, it is ruining my life. My mobility has been impacted severely and there is so much pain involved. I don’t know how much more I can take of it. But I can’t fathom the thought of losing my uterus. Before, I used to jump at the chance of a partial hysterectomy, but now that it’s almost final, I feel like a part of me will be missing. My womanhood will be gone. The organ that incubated my daughter for 9 months will be gone.

Why grieve? It’s a pain in the ass, anyhow. I don’t know why I’m sad. I don’t know why I’m depressed over this. Yes, I blame my hormones. I blame my failed body. I often wonder what life would have been like had I never gotten that rotten Depo Provera shot. I wonder if I would have gone on to have another child, if I would have lost that weight and kept it off, and what things would have been like for me. But there’s no sense in wondering when what is done is done.

So I move on with my life and I'll get the hysterectomy and hope that it helps change things for me. Of course I have the “What if” questions in my brain…but again, there is nothing I can do about this. I am trying to not even think about this, but no matter what I do, I can’t help but think about it.

In the end, I will come to accept it and move on with my life. I always do.