Saturday, October 04, 2008

Shut up and let me go


I have no clue what is wrong with me, but it seems like depression has begun to rule my life yet again. I'm on Clonazepam for the anxiety and panic attacks I have been suffering lately, and while I go to work and do my job, I must admit the stress of customer service has gotten to me yet again but this time it's worse. It's not just work, it's also the fact that I turn 30 in a week from today, and while the actual number is not what is getting to me, it's the fact that my body is continuing to change in a very negative way. I am always tired, my body aches, my knees are giving me trouble, I'm dealing with more problems that only us females deal with that might actually push me into a hysterectomy sooner than later. I don't understand what is going on with me. As much as I appreciate my doctors I don't think they are taking me seriously- I have cried out for help and I don't think that they understand my pain (not just physical either). I reluctantly decided to ask my PCP for Clonazepam because of the panic attacks I have been dealing with. The exhaustion is getting to me as well, which is probably part of the reason I'm having panic attacks (I've had a couple of them at work recently which is not good).

Let's get back to the exhaustion which the PCP states could be a myriad of issues, most likely my sleep apnea, which I just started the CPAP for last night. It's not pleasant, because at first I go into a full-blown panic mode where I cannot breathe, because of the level the CPAP is on, but I have this "ramp" button where I can lower the level. I slept okay last night, but woke up several times even with this on. I had a very vivid nightmare where I had driven into this forest where spiders attached these webs that would find their way into my skin and I would try to pull them out, and in very graphic detail which I will omit, reminded me of a movie I watched about a month ago called The Ruins (I won't ruin it for you, ha ha). In any case, I thought it was real and normally in my dreams I can usually tell myself I'm dreaming- not in this case, I woke up scratching and pulling at my arm. Very creepy. I had some issues with the level of moisture as well, but of course I will continue to use it. I really think that besides the sleep apnea (and the horrible bed that needs to be replaced badly, but let's put it this way- how many of you have an extra $1200 on up laying around to buy a decent foundation and mattress? It's going to be a while and right now I'm going to continue to deal with the pain I'm suffering from that bed particularly in my hips, lower back and pelvic region) my problem is the Anemia. I just had a CBC (Complete Blood Count) done but I don't know what the results are. I don't think they are good because it's mostly gone untreated as I cannot tolerate iron. I am taking Slow Fe as I have mentioned before, but it's a VERY low dose. I've tried implementing more spinach, lean red meat, etc in my diet but it still doesn't help. The doctors are puzzled as to why I am not able to keep my blood count up. I don't have the family inherited Alpha Thalessemia, that was ruled out. It's frustrating.

In any case, if you are wondering what "Shut up and let me go" means, besides being this ultra catchy song by a band called The Ting Tings, it means I wish this depression/funk I am dealing with would just SHUT UP AND LET ME GO. Seriously.

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At 3:47 PM, Blogger Sara Smile said...

I know what you mean by the wanting the funk to just all go away. I love you.


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